I just can't: Starbucks Frappuccino Fan Flavor release.

Today, Starbucks unveiled their 'Fan Flavor' Frappuccino flavors—aka my personal nightmare in blended drink form. The lineup features America's "Favorites": Cinnamon Roll, Cupcake, Cotton Candy, Lemon Bar, Caramel Cocoa Cluster, and Red Velvet Cake.

Do we really need to drink our desserts? Cupcakes, contrary to their name, do not belong in cups when you eat them. They do not need a straw. The cupcake fandom is already nuts. Do we really need it in liquid form? I just can't!

Starbucks, I am ranting because nobody should be drinking 500-600 calories, much less consuming absurd amounts of whole milk, added flavors, and whipped cream in one sitting. While I do appreciate your nutritional transparency, I made an audible groan when I saw 63 grams of sugar in a grande Cupcake Crème Frapp.

More ranting: What fans picked these flavors, Starbucks? Children under the age of 5? The Lay's Do Us a Flavor campaign produced nonsense ideas such as Mango Salsa and Cappuccino. Hasn't America learned its lesson? Big Food is only going to shove more sugar down our throats! We like fresh produce and kale and avocado toast and going to the farmers' market.

I just can't with the sugar-coated madness! End rant ... for now.