We have some choice words for the beloved brand.
Credit: Photo: Dennis Gottlieb / Getty

Damn it, Thomas’, we’ve got a problem. Again.

Your two new limited-edition flavored muffins—Bacon-Buttermilk Pancake and S’mores—are nothing more than strumpet crumpets, loitering in bread aisles like fragrant, doughy prostitutes and tarnishing your good name.

Know this from the start: I love your Original English muffin so much it frightens me. For me, it’s not just for breakfast anymore. I make my cheeseburgers with Thomas’. I bake mini-pizzas with Thomas’. If I ever spawned a son, I’d name him Thomas’, apostrophe and all.

But it’s important to me that my English muffins are English muffin-flavored. I’ve sampled brands nationwide to find one that could compete with Thomas’ Original. Most are too dry. Some have a tough bottom crust and uneven chew. Others are strangely sweet, or merely bland. None taste like yours—a little savory, faintly tangy, delivering the most intense white-dough satisfaction I’ve ever experienced this side of the Seine.

And those nooks and crannies—oh! They’re like tiny, yeasty, golden chalices delivering sweet melted butter. Just like VW’s Fahrvergnügen, they’re a marketing ploy that completely lives up to the hype.

I get that there’s profit to be made in variations. I will never try any of your flavors besides Original, because there’s no earthly reason to do so, but I whole-heartedly endorse your decision to offer whole-wheat and whole-grain options. I can accept your Double-Protein and High-Fiber muffins. But Corn and Honey-Wheat just won’t do. And Blueberry, Cinnamon-Raisin, and—God help us—Maple-French Toast are just an outrage.

You perfected the English muffin long ago, nailing it the first time with the Original. No other comes close; no other should be sold or bought on the face of the earth. So why stray further and further? Bacon-Buttermilk Pancake flavor? S’mores? (Which, it needs to be said, would only be considered breakfast by wake-n-bake campers and the criminally insane.) Just like weed leads inevitably to heroin, this will surely take us to the likes of Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored muffins.

I don’t even know you anymore, Thomas’. You’re breaking the nooks and crannies of my heart.