It will probably cost me my marriage, but it must be said: My wife can't cook. She can't boil water, couldn't rehydrate dust. Before she telephones a divorce lawyer, however, I should note that her maiden name is Grill. So she has always fancied herself a great griller, just as I think of myself as a great Irish writer like Joyce or McCourt, simply by virtue of having an Irish name. Wishing doesn't make it so, alas, for her or for me. But I am a good cook, so I've designed a menu that can make my wife—and anyone else—a great griller.

If grilling for guests provokes high anxiety in your home, this menu is for you. My Theory of Entertaining echoes the late Douglas Adams's cardinal law of the universe, as expressed in his Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Don't panic. With this menu—actually two flexible menus that can delight time and again since the components are interchangeable—you won't. By front-loading most of the work before guests arrive, you can show off grill mastery without standing over searing coals while everyone else sips ice-cold beer.

Because there is a proportional ratio of how long it takes to grill chicken to the number of guests waiting for it, chicken is out. Instead, caramel overtones of bourbon and maple influence a hoisin baste for either tuna or pork. Tomato Relish or Three-Fruit Salsa complements the richly lacquered flavor of the chosen entree. Spring Giardiniera, a wonderful mix of bright pickled vegetables, is easy to prepare and can be made up to two days ahead; the vegetables only get better as they sit. The mashepotatoes have big flavors yet require little prep. And since it wouldn't be a barbecue without the bugs, we finish with refreshing Grasshopper Ice Cream Pie.

Even my smart, beautiful, talented, and forgiving wife can rely on my trusty timeline and this roll-it-out-with-ease menu that works every time.

GREAT GRILLED MENU (see left)
Teo's Punch
Bruschetta Gorgonzola and Apples
Hoisin and Bourbon-Glazed Pork Tenderloin with Three-Fruit Salsa
or
Hoisin and Bourbon-Glazed Tuna with Tomato Relish
Spring Giardiniera
Rosemary-Roasted Mashed Potatoes
Grasshopper Ice Cream Pie

TIMETABLE

Day Before:
• Trim and butterfly pork
• Prepare Spring Giardiniera
• Prepare Gorgonzola spread
• Prepare Grasshopper Ice Cream Pie

Morning of:
• Buy tuna
• Ice beer
• Mix hoisin sauce
• Prepare Teo's Punch without soda; chill
• Chop vegetables for Tomato Relish or fruit for Three-Fruit Salsa

Two hours ahead:
• Set up buffet area or dinner table
• Cut up potatoes

One hour ahead:
• Assemble Tomato Relish or Three-Fruit Salsa
• Preheat oven for potatoes

45 minutes ahead:
• Prepare and preheat grill
• Roast potatoes
• Soak wood chips

15 minutes ahead:
• Check grill; add additional charcoal as needed
• Grill bread and slice apples for appetizer
• Prepare mashed potatoes; keep warm
• Add soda to punch

As guests arrive:
• Add wood chips to grill
• Prepare entree
• Temper pie in refrigerator
• Sit back and relax; you're all done—except for the eating.